Mercury occupies your relationship zone between 10 and 29 September. You crave a docile Q&A audience to heed your self-righteous opinions, but are stuck arguing with your pet rock about the PNG Solution and carbon pricing (yawn). Career transformations are likely after 27 September. You want more control over how you spend your time, and consider pimping. The Sun joins Mercury on 2 September for the sexiest stretch you’ll experience this year. Finally, you get the opportunity to have Incredibly Hot Sex with Hideous People. I can smell the desperation from Five Dock.
Song for Aries: New Race by Radio Birdman
The Venus-Saturn-North Node link between 18 and 20 September works like a Lazarus triple bypass on your flaccid Ego. You rise from the dead and leap into your future like a leprechaun on whiz. Be prepared to move away from the familiar to attain what is yours by divine right. Focus on sexting under the Mercury transit on 29 September to revive a stale relationship. You get the Facebook ‘thumbs up’ from your lover and eighty-three other perverts after posting a snapshot of yourself modelling cheese wire.
Song for Taurus: Sprawl II by Arcade Fire
Mercury helps you relax with the aid of Mogadons and some vintage Leonard Cohen records between 9 and 29 September. Rest to maintain healthy energy levels; you’ll need some punch for the active times ahead. The Sun enters your house of fun on 23 September as a reminder to embrace leisureliness in this work-obsessed culture of ours. Others see you as a joker, a smoker, amidnight toker under the Venus transit between 16 and 19 September. You get your lovin’ on the run, which irritates your partner somewhat. Your technical ability and patience are tested between 25 and 27 September. Have you tried turning it off and on?
Song for Gemini: Second Language by Tactics
Saturn supports Pluto in your love zone between 13 and 30 September, bringing stability to wobbly relationships. This energy asks that you quit fantasising about the Bondi Vet in a spray tan, and focus on the bond that you’re actually part of. You can translate your feelings clearly and readily, thanks to the Mercury transit from 20 September. Your personal charm is well received under the Venus-Sun cycle of 12 September, so expect extra nookie this month.
Song for Cancer: Going Back performed by Goldie
Under Mercury’s influence, expect strangers with brief cases and important business agendas to stream in and out of your abode like it’s Grand Central Terminal. Home-based businesses with a teaching slant should thrive this month, so get that zine workshop pumping from the kitchen table. Money dramas are resolved by 9 September when you devolve those complex financial papers to someone who understands them. Be grateful for the cosmic gift bestowed to you on 29 September. It’s designed to help you rethink the colour scheme in the second bedroom. Nasty.
Song for Leo: You’re A Wanker by TISM
Go wild and unleash the inner-minimalist under the New Moon on 5 September. Fortunately, Virgo appreciates the beauty of clean lines, uncluttered spaces, and multi-purpose cleaning fluid. This is the time to file, bin, burn, and donate junk to anyone who will have it, that is, Taurus. You may encounter resistance under the Mars-Saturn connection, but persist. You have to let the bastards know who’s boss. You leave a memorable imprint for others to enjoy on 9 September by pressing your cock into one of those Pin Point Impression moulds. Ouch! Creativity peaks between13 and 30 September along with your schlong. Stop taking life so seriously; down time is more important than achievement, but don’t tell Tony Abbott that.
Song for Virgo: Sometimes (I Just Can’t Live With Anyone) by The Laughing Clowns
You’ll get your hair extension in knots over extremes of opinions in the first week of September when Mercury occupies your sign. Macaroon or Macaron? Zine or fanzine? Stencil or print? Luckily, your ability to think in abstract terms provides you with a good measure of objectivity. Yours is a subtle intelligence; you don’t want boring stuff like brainpower getting in the way of looking chic. Mercury influences your money house from 29 September until the end of the year. You reach new levels of financial organisation by guillotining your credit cards and moving to the Galapagos Islands.
Song for Libra: Why Can’t We Live Together by Timmy Thomas
The unusually long visit from Mercury in Scorpio on 20 September provides you with the curiosity to explore beneath the reptile exterior that protects you. Journal writing may be a traditional form of therapy, but it’s not as appealing as posting your fears and doubts on Facebook. The unexamined life is not worth living unless it’s captured in a Selfie. Mercury follows Venus into your spirituality zone between 9 and 29 September. Look at life from a different viewpoint to A Current Affair by indulging in the writings of Aleister Crowley, Gerald Gardner, and other degenerate old fruits.
Song for Scorpio: Pumping Ugly Muscle by Primitive Calculators
Mercury helps expand your social network between 9 and 29 September. Communicating directly with your peers is crucial now. Get your arse away from virtual reality and soldier into the actual world without your avatar. Scary stuff. Your bloated sense of entitlement reaches bursting point around 22 September when you put your leadership skills to the test. Power trips may inflate your Ego, but it will end in tears when a water sign extinguishes your fire. Ha!
Song for Sagittarius: I Just Want To Sleep With Someone New by Paul Kelly
Your ruler, Saturn, turns the period 13 to 30 September into a cosmic flashpoint. Strip down to your Nike trainers and streak across the SCG during a major sporting event. Feel the exhilaration as thousands of sheep with Smartphones start snapping shots of your assets for Instagram. The Saturn-Pluto link makes you appreciate the true force of your willy as a weapon of mass ridicule. Financial differences lead to tension amongst friends between 8 and 10 September, when you deny that you owe Cyril and Bartholomew coin for those hotted-up hubcaps. Yeah, right.
Song for Capricorn: Little Boxes performed by Pete Seeger
Explore new ways to connect passionately with your lover under the Mars cycle this month. The period between 14 and 18 September has an experimental quality which the unorthodox Water Bearer will find stimulating. Random kinky encounters with anonymous peeps suits you, Sir. Insert that butt plug and be direct about your needs. Your curiosity about the world beyond your postcode increases under the Mercury transit between 9 and 29 September. Meaningful dialogue with well-dressed Europhiles has you yearning for life to imitate a Jean-Luc Godard film rather than the usual episode of Big Brother.
Song for Aquarius: I’m Not Like Everybody Else by The Kinks
The Full Moon in Pisces on 19 September highlights dreams, visions, and the ethereal world. Look for subliminal messages that nudge you onto a certain path, but be wary of lusting after possibilities that blind you to reality. Links from Mercury and Venus to your Sun signal that relationship commitments must be respected. If a loved one isn’t honouring their responsibilities, call them on it. It’s a two way street, this love thang.
Song for Pisces: Tael Of A Saehors by Makers of the Dead Travel Fast